A MOTHER'S ANGUISH - PROTECTING HER FAMILY

Even as her son lay in the hospital fighting for his life after smoking meth, Sandy denied that methamphetamine could grab her family - - she had done all a mother could do to protect her brood from its ugly clutches.

"I put all the safety mechanisms in place," she said.  "I worked nights so I could be home with the kids, I attended their school conferences, supervised their homework, talked with them, everything."

Even the doctor's assessment couldn't shake her belief: "I thought the tests were wrong," she said.  "This isn't possible, not my son."

Fiercely protective of her children, Sandy talked with her kids frequently about the dangers of smoking, drinking and drug use, including meth.

Sandy, not her real name, came to accept the verdict, but still questions herself:

"I did everything you're supposed to do," she said.  "I don't know what I missed."

She probably didn't miss doing anything.  Reasons for meth use vary depending on the person, according to Freeborn County Sheriff Mark Harig, and may have nothing to do with parents.  He estimates two out of 100 people, or about 2 percent of the population in Freeborn County, use or manufacture meth.  More alarming is the number he estimates are not caught.

"For every meth cooker arrested, there are probably 15 to 20 associates who aren't caught," he said.

Sandy never imagined her son would be associated with such statistics.

She recalled the morning she took her son, who also asked not to be identified, to the hospital - she was sitting at the kitchen table.  The house was alive with the sounds and preparations of kids getting ready for school when she heard him throw up.  Thinking he had the flu, she remembers letting him stay in bed for part of the day.  At some point, she realized something was terribly wrong and took him to the hospital, still unaware of the drugs in his body.

Tests came back positive for meth and he was eventually sent to Rochester where he spent four days fighting for his life, she said.  Finally assured he would survive, Sandy started researching meth and treatment options.  In the end, she brought him home and set up strict rules for him to follow.

He chose to comply with the rules Sandy imposed, which gives her hope he will not return to using meth, she said, but she remains on alert.

Her path is a lonely one.  Her son hates her for talking to the school - - he can't get away with anything there; if he is in the hall teachers stop him - and he is tested for drugs all the time now.  But she had no other choice - she needed help ensuring he stays clean.

"If I don't tell ( others ), and he dies, I couldn't live with the guilt," she said.  "I can't screw up, I won't get a second chance."

Her life now is a bit of a balancing act, she admits.  She won't stop protecting her son, yet she fears pushing him too hard.

"We tiptoe around the subject," she said.  "If I push too much, I fear he'll walk out the door; I'm terrified I'll get a call that he's dead."

Family and friends have also distanced themselves, a natural reaction Sandy understands, and has herself employed to keep her family safe.

"It's like we are the drug dealers," she said.  "The walls go up instantly.  I've done the same thing, to protect my kids."

Since her son's hospitalization, Sandy has also learned there is no haven from meth - her husband was approached to try meth in the parking lot where he works.

"It's everywhere," she said.  "You don't have to live in the ghetto, with parents who don't care.  It's consuming not just our kids, it's consuming our whole community."

The reason meth has become so prevalent, she said, is nobody wants to talk about meth use.  But she senses her own initial disbelief in them: Meth couldn't possibly affect their family.

With her son safe, Sandy has spent considerable time learning more about meth, which has created more fear.

"It's all scary.  I'm lost.  I don't know where I fit in," she said.  "I realize I'm just a babe in the woods - some people have been ( living under the shadow of meth ) for 15 years or longer.  These people are people just like us, working family people."

At times, an overwhelming frustration sets in, and she feels dwarfed by a problem she can't get her head around.

"You get to where you just want to throw up your hands - it's too big and I'm helpless against it," she said.  "I don't know what I can do, or if what I can do will help."

But then she thinks about her son's experience and her fighting spirit returns.

"The best thing to come out of this is now I know ignorance is not bliss," she said.  "I will do everything possible ...  I will not cover ( meth use ) up," she said.  "I will do anything I can to stop it."